Saint Paul Pioneer Press

THE BEST EULOGIES BRING OUT THE BEST IN ALL OF US
November 2, 2002
Author: RHODA FUKUSHIMA Pioneer Press Edition: City
Section: Express

They can have you crying one moment, laughing the next.

They are as much for those speaking as those listening.

In the end, a great eulogy makes you glad you knew the person. And if you didn't, you wish you had.

Eulogies have been water-cooler fodder for days, ever since Tuesday's public memorial service for Sen. Paul Wellstone and five others who died last week. In particular, passionate, partisan remarks by a longtime Wellstone friend (and staffer) set off a hoo-haw that continues still -- with critics steaming, supporters apologizing and everyone else kibbutzing days before Election 2002.

On the other hand, a well-done eulogy brings people together. That was the case for another speaker at the memorial service who told a story about his kid brother, the senator and an SUV with tinted windows.

"Eulogy brings together the humanity of the person," says Father Paul Feela, director of worship at the St. Paul Seminary School of Divinity at the University of St. Thomas. "It helps us remember the real gift that they were."

Eulogies are the! last public chance to say "I love you" or "goodbye."

They should be heartfelt, short and capture the essence of a person.

They are good therapy.

So say the people who compose them, deliver them and write about them.

Rabbi Asher Zeilingold of Adath Israel Synagogue in St. Paul says the most important ingredient of a eulogy is pro-viding a message from the deceased's life that others can incorporate into their own lives.

Garry Schaeffer of San Diego wrote his first eulogy in 1994; it was for his grandfather. He searched for books to help him but found none. Two years and three eulogies later, he wrote "A Labor of Love: How to Write a Eulogy."

Schaeffer says some people think a good eulogy must tell the deceased's entire life story. Not so. Rather, a good eulogy is selective. It gives highlights of the person's life and his (or her) relationship to the eulogizer. It will show rather than tell. "It's the story that wi! ll bring the quality to life," Schaeffer says.

Ted Tobias, a Beverly Hills businessman, published 42 eulogies of public figures in his book, "In Tribute: Eulogies of Famous People."

"An obituary just lists some mileposts," Tobias says. "A eulogy is almost nothing like that. It really tells you something about the people that you didn't know before."

Jan Shepardson of Gilbert, Ariz., writes eulogies for a living. Since December, she's done 1,000 eulogies (250 custom; the rest requested her templates or do-it-yourself guides). She says the ideal length is seven minutes.

Shepardson writes eulogies based on answers people give to 21 specific questions about the deceased. She charges $24.95 to $49.95. The quicker you need it, the more you pay. It takes her 45 minutes to write one.

Not knowing the deceased hurts and helps her. She doesn't take grief to bed, as a family member would. But she doesn't know the little quirks that could make for a more personal, colorful eulogy.

"It hinders me because I don't know they liked onions on their sandwich," she says.

At Tuesday's memorial service, 10 speakers remembered Wellstone; his wife, Sheila; daughter, Marcia Markuson; and staffers William McLaughlin, Tom Lapic and Mary McEvoy.

In his remarks, Rick Kahn, a former student of Wellstone, longtime friend and campaign treasurer, implored Minnesotans to vote Democratic in Wellstone's memory. The fallout, on both sides of the aisle, continues still.

But David McLaughlin of St. Paul received high praise for his five-minute tribute to his younger brother, William, who was Wellstone's aide and driver.

McLaughlin asked their mother and Will's close friends for input. He purposely picked stories that illustrated what was important to his brother -- relationships with loved ones. The SUV story -- in which tinted windows prevented supporters from seeing Wellstone wave -- came from family/campaign folklore.

McLaughlin practic! ed the eulogy 30 times, focusing on the "tough parts." He wrote remind ers to "smile" and "slow down" in the text of his speech, as he had often done for his kid brother when helping him rehearse his own speeches.

It was only fitting for two brothers who talked daily.

"The only advice I have is to know people when they are alive," McLaughlin says.

Rhoda Fukushima can be reached at (651) 228-5444 or rgfukushima@pioneerpress.com. Copyright 2002, 2003 Saint Paul Pioneer Press
Record Number: 0211010104